Posted by kluster on August 31, 2009
1. A pre-tour signal.
Fever Chart by Bill Cotter
Stoners and Self-Appointed Saints by Annie La Ganga
In the last few years, the nonliving object that has terrified me more than any other is my pocket calculator. Today, in summing up some data regarding my girlfriend Annie La Ganga’s and my dual book-signing/reading tour, upcoming this September 3-22, my light-blue Texas-Instruments 503SV shocked me thrice. The first figure it produced - 7886.63 - was so frightening that it could only be an error. I added its components again. Again I came up with 7886.63. So it was true: this was to be the number of miles we would travel in the fourteen-event tour. Not just travel. Drive. For the benefit of those forced into metrification, my calculator notes that this is equivalent to 12,692 km.
The second figure my calculator produced, 127.17, a function of the number above, proved to be the number of hours we should expect to spend, in the car, driving. This does include the number of hours we will spend in the car as a stationary object, a metal and glass pup tent, parked on a narrow shoulder, sleeping. Nor does it include the hours we will spend in the car becoming and unbecoming lost, jammed-up in traffic, idling while an officer of the law runs our tags, or bogged down in Midwestern floodwaters.
The third figure, 976.44, is in many ways the scariest - the absolute minimum number of dollars we will spend on gasoline. TI503SV says: 1159.04 AUD. This is in hopes that our car, a 2001 Nissan, will achieve at least 21 miles per gallon (8.93 km/l), and that fuel will not exceed an average setback of $2.60.
Our itinerary, beginning in Austin, Texas.
9/3 Salt Lake City, Utah - Sam Weller's Zion Bookstore 6:30pm
9/5 Seattle, Washington - Bumbershoot Festival (Bill only) 5:15pm
9/6 Vashon Island, Washington - Stranger than Fiction Books 5pm
9/8 Portland, Oregon - Reading Frenzy 7pm
9/9 Seattle - Seattle Slam at Spitfire (Annie only) 9pm
9/10 Missoula, Montana - Shakespeare and Co. Books 7pm
9/11 Rapid City, South Dakota - Borders 6pm (signing only) / Bully Blends 7pm (signing and reading)
9/13 Chicago, Illinois - Uptown slam at Green Mill (featured readers) 7pm
9/14 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Robin's Bookstore 7pm
9/15 Baltimore, Maryland - Cyclops Books 8pm
9/17 Framingham, Massachusetts - Barnes & Noble 7pm
9/18 NYC - KGB Bar 7pm
9/19 Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - Eastside Borders 6pm
9/22 Columbus, Ohio - Barnes and Noble (Lennox branch) 7pm
Here is a breakdown, as provided by Mapquest, of the numbers that gave me the three-part dread discussed above. (The driving itinerary necessarily includes more stops, as we weren’t able to get gigs in many of the cities that we’ll pass through.)
Austin - Santa Fe: 11 hours 33 minutes/753.38 miles
Santa Fe - Salt Lake City: 10 hours 25 minutes/627.40 miles
Salt Lake - Seattle: 12 hours 39 minutes/841.92 miles
Seattle - Vashon Island: 53 minutes/16.82 miles
Vashon - Portland: 3 hours 9 minutes/157.66 miles
Portland - Seattle 2 hours 57 minutes/172.88 miles
Seattle - Missoula: 7 hours 11 minutes/475.82 miles
Missoula - Rapid City: 9 hours 40 minutes/665.82 miles
Rapid City - Chicago: 13 hours 44 minutes/912.45 miles
Chicago - Philadelphia: 12 hours 25 minutes/761.41 miles
Phila - Baltimore: 1 hour 58 minutes/105.72 miles
Baltimore - Framingham: 6 hours 58 minutes/388.05 miles
Framingham - NYC: 3 hours 46 minutes/196.38 miles
NYC - Pittsburgh: 6 hours 23 minutes/370.86 miles
Pittsburgh - Columbus: 3 hours 9 minutes/185.09 miles
Columbus - Nashville: 6 hours 4 minutes/379.38 miles
Nashville - Shreveport: 8 hours 39 minutes/558.47 miles
Shreveport - Austin: 5 hours 36 minutes/317.12 miles
How will we return? How - meaning here both “In what condition” and “By what means” - is the question Annie and I have been asking each other and ourselves and ye gods ever since we dreamed up this absurd gallivant. Will we be broke? Will we be broken up? Will the car break? Will we get carjacked? Will we catch a break? Will it be fun? Sucky? Enlightening? Soul-clabbering? Will we sell any fucking books?
Will it be worth writing about?
I hope you will follow my regular distress signals, here, on Channel Kluster.
Bill Cotter
083009 GMT 10:51A
Austin, Texas
bill cotter, book tour, fever chart